conscious discipline pt 3

this week we learned about choices, positive intent, and empathy. some of the methods struck me as a bit unrealistic. then again it could just be that i've had a rough time lately and am a bit burned out, so my perspective is tainted a little. but here's what we learned (italics is information directly from the worksheets):

Choices

choices build self-setem and willpower. we fundamentally have two choices: 1) accept what is and focus on solutions 2) resist what is and focus on the problem. the only person you can make change is yourself. we are not to controll, but to structure: the intent behind control is to make someone else think, act or feel a certain way. the intent behind structure is to help someone be successful.

she talked about ways to turn revenge into helpfulness. for example, two kids bob and susie have a fight and susie tells bob she doesnt want to be his friend anymore. later on bob, who is still angry, sees susie acting up and tattles to the teacher about her as a way to get revenge. as the teacher/parent this is how the conversation to bob should take place:
"are you telling me this to be hlepful or hurtful?"
"how is telling me about susie helpful?"
"what could you do that would be helpful?"
"you could go to susie and say ______"

she also said we adults need to change our intent when when asking questions- instead of saying to ourselves "how do i get the child to pick up their toys" we should say "how do i help the child more likely choose to pick up their toys"

give two positive choices to accomplish task at hand: for example, the toys are on the ground. give the child two positive options: "you may pick up the dolls, or the balls. which is best for you?" and then if they resist to pick up anything stay calm and repeat in a calm voice again "you may pick up the dolls, or the balls. which is best for you?" you are to do this as many times as needed until task is completed. of course staying calm and collected and not raising our voice even if the child is throwing a tantrum over it all.

Positive Intent

basically positive intent is looking for the best in a situation or child. seeing the best in one another and teaching our children to grow up doing the same.

for example you get cut off in traffic and then get all mad at the other driver and rant and rave because now you think its gonna back up traffic and its gonna take hours to get where you need to go. but in all actuality the person cutting you off may have a serious medical situation and need help asap so they have to get to the er quick. (or some kind of situation like that, you get the gist)....meanwhile the children in the car see your reaction.

when the world doesnt go our way and we rant and rave in front of children we teach them its ok to throw a fit, and people who are different deserve to be called names or looked down upon. but when we take a deep breath and then wish people well, we teach children there is always more to the story than what we see and that we need to be prepared when things not go our way.

here is the formula for positive intent for children who are misbehaving:

1) state the child's positive intention, usually by completing the sentence "you wanted ___" this builds security and cooperation

2)state for the child the skill she/he used in obtaining what they wanted. describe the action without judgements, usually by completing the sentence "so you ___" . this builds consciousness

3) state for the child the skill s/he is missing. this would usually be "you didnt know what else to do" or You didnt't know the words to use to ___"

4) state the limit. "you may not __. it hurts (is hurtful. is not safe)" this sets the limit and shows the child how his or her actions impacts others.

5) teach the child another way of getting his or her needs/deisres met "when you want __ say ___ say it now for practice" this teaches communication skills

so for example bob grabs the marker from susie's hand. using the formula above this is how the conversation should go to bob:
" you wanted the marker so you grabbed it. you didnt know the words to use. you may NOT grab. grabbing hurts. when you want a marker say 'may i have a turn please' say it now for practice"

Empathy

empathy requires we listen to children's thoughts and feelings without the need to change them. it is not about "happying up" children. it's about leaving them with thier situation or choice so they can reflect and take responsibility. empathy helps organize the brain.

if the child is acting out from the brain stem area you will see physical reactions (feet kicking) and adult responds by saying what they see "your feet are kicking, your body is telling me you are angry". if acting out from the limbic system it will be an emotional response (i hate you. shut up.). adult responds by reflecting on what kid is feeling "you seem really angry" if child is acting out from the frontal lobe then it is in the intellectual area (this is boring) so adult reflects on problem solving "what would you like to do different"

when considering how to handle a child's upset, ask yourself "does the child want information or understanding?" you determine this by assessing the quality of their mental state. if children are in a limbic state they want understanding. if children are in a frontal lobe state, they want information.

all our fits come from resisiting what is.

empathy builds connection. it is our gift of unconditional love.